au revoir

Though this blog, in name and content, is mostly about my experiences getting to and being in China, the impetus for the blog was generally about leaving America.  It seems to be I am in the same state again, where getting out of this country or maybe just being somewhere totally new, has become a top priority in my life.

So exigent is this desire that at times I can't sit still and I feel a burn in my skin at the thought of being here, of feeling like I am doing nothing "beyond existing".  It sounds pretty dramatic.

I frequently miss China, though I try not to dwell on decisions I felt I had to make.  There is no way I could idealize China, but maybe a different lifestyle that it harbored for me.  Sometimes there was comfort in the constant chaos often mirroring my mental state but in the end too many situations all across the external and my internal world propelled me to leave in a frantic state.

Whatever, shit doesn't matter now.  Anyway, I am planning a looser trip to Southeast Asia with my adopted twin brother Andrew.  I will probably keep writing on this site due to the fact that I have started way too many other random blogs already and nihao-brian seems most suitable for travel.

The Cure is playing right now in this Starbucks.  I think of a gigantic unfamiliar world.  Can't wait to leave.

tiny reflections

Here is an interesting article about a young man's time teaching in China:  http://middlekingdomlife.com/guide/teaching-english-in-china-enjoying-the-adventure.htm.  It's funny how similar I feel to many of the things he said.

I feel some relief to see certain similar opinions, possibly making me feel like less of an asshole.  I also just finished reading a book titled The Chinese Mind, which my mother recommended.  Personally I didn't like the book and thought it was somewhat chaotically organized, repetitive and unnecessarily oversimplified...specifically concerning American culture compared to Chinese culture. This book did however, make me feel like I should try to be more understanding of certain Chinese behavior patterns.  And, I am still practicing and wanting to understand some things that don't make sense to me, though they seem fundamentally disgusting.  Clearly I've got more work to do....  And to be equally harsh, part of the reason I wanted to leave America in the first place was because I feel many attitudes and behaviors here are fundamentally disgusting.  I will work on becoming more and more open-minded and accepting.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the article on middlekingdomlife.  I try not to think too much about what has passed, but I sometimes find myself wishing I was more tolerant and accepting of my situation in China, and that some things beyond my control that influenced me had never occurred.  I am thankful for my experience in China and I would like to visit and hang out in China again, probably not under circumstances of employment though.

merry christmas

In America, today is the holiday that people tend to get together and give shit to each other; there is and a general feeling of warmth and goodwill between people.  I am currently listening to James Taylor and thinking about the calmness and the feelings this season used to mean to me.  But right now I'm alone and so far away from all my previous associations with Christmas.  None of this is because I'm in China--in fact, I'm no longer in China.

rainy days

The past few days I have been in a daze, feeling glossed over, mechanical.  The off-and-on rain hasn't really brought much of a cooling effect.  Today I slept away most of the day's middle hours, deciding to eat a true breakfast at around 5PM.  Part of this could be the fact that the past few nights I've been up until around 2AM which is pretty drastic for a bookworm like me.  The good news is that I've been out up so late because I have made friends with Chinese people.  From now on I will just call them Chinese friends.  There really is no bad news about this even though that may have sounded like a lead-in, but let me continue...

driving rant

So...things here in crazyland are pretty good.  I'm trying to make some worksheets for classes so it looks like I might know what I'm doing.  But enough small talks...what I'm really about to tell you about is driving in China.  The short answer to the question I'm surprised nobody has asked yet is:  Yes, personal cars should be outlawed in China.